Becoming Best Friends with Our Children
Becoming a Mom has been a journey of wonderful discoveries for me. Never have I imagined it being as challenging and fulfilling at the same time as it has been. Being best friend with my daughter I took for granted for the first two years. She was little, she wanted to be with her Mommy all the time, the only feeling she had for me was love!
As my daughter grew I realised that just like any other relationship in life, the relationship with my daughter needs attention and nurture as she grows. Of course, my girl still loves me, but as she grows more and more, she has a mind of her own, she can get upset with me, frustrated, she may like me doing something or dislike it too.
An additional challenge has been bringing her little brother into the family. It means I almost always have split attention between the two, and being a baby her brother often needs more help and care. For some time I felt I lost a little bit of connection with my daughter. We spent time together, we played, we talked, I cared for her, but it just didn’t feel quite the same as before. Meanwhile, she rapidly grew too, and I needed to adapt and notice the changes to stay on the same wave with her. It took about six months since the birth of my second child to find that closeness feeling again and I am so glad it is now back!
In this post, I wanted to share what helps me to stay connected and find closeness with my daughter after challenging moments.
First, paying attention to how my daughter is. Taking the time and putting effort to listen to my girl and understand what’s going on in her head and heart. At three years she is amazingly good at explaining herself when I stop and listen. Having two children means I am very busy making sure everyone is fed and dressed etc. It’s easy to forget how important the emotional side of things is. I try to stop and remind myself often.
Spending time one to one. Having both my daughter and my son full time with me, I have to look for opportunities to be one-to-one with each of them. One of those opportunities is walks. My son sleeps during walks in the pram and so even though he is still with us I can relax and pay my full (or almost full) attention to my daughter. We talk, we play, we have fun and it makes a difference to our day together. Recently, as my son got better at going to bed, I also spend time with my daughter before she goes to sleep. Her daddy does the night routine, but then I come and we read a book, talk, and play a little bit before she goes to sleep. It’s amazing how much more relaxed I feel when I don’t need to keep an eye on my crawling baby boy, and can fully focus on what we are doing with my girl. Our new little tradition sets her for a good night's sleep.
Having things we love to do together. We have a few and they serve as a reference point to remember about the fun we have together and get back the feeling of being best friends. What are those things? One thing is we like to draw and colour together. I often draw for my girl something she has not seen yet while explaining what it is. We also like to draw something we have seen together on a walk or other adventures to reflect and discuss. Another thing we like to do together is to study French. We love our lessons and we often remember words we learnt in day-to-day situations. Sometimes just asking what would be the word in French is enough to remember all the fun we have together and change the mood of the moment. My daughter asks me about French words just as often as I ask her. We also like to dress together, both in dresses or both in leggings or both in jeans or both in the same colour. My daughter always says she likes fashion, and as I do too it makes me feel so happy. The list could go on. Those little moments we have together just her and me matter a lot. I noticed that daddy and the girl have their little traditions and moments, and when I see them I feel happy they found their connection too.
I can only hope as my daughter grows that we will keep our closeness. The relationship will evolve and the fun things will perhaps become different fun things. I would love to have her as my best friend forever. I will keep you updated :)